5 Things Agents Should Stop Doing NOW

1) Stop over-selling your listing with pointless details: I had a showing a couple days ago where the other agent did not shut up the entire time. It took nearly thirty minutes to get out of the foyer before I had to cut him off midway through his historical thesis on the "foundation." He literally made my client hate the condo and hate him as a person. We were also late to our other showings because of this asshole. If you are an agent, you need to have social awareness. Nobody cares that the wallpaper was "imported from England" because it probably wasn't and that literally means nothing. Get it together.

2) Stop emphasizing how "motivated" your seller is: If your seller is so motivated then why has their home been on the market for three months without a price reduction or any form of staging? If your seller is so motivated then why did they reject my all-cash offer at asking? If your seller is so motivated then why is he personally emailing me saying that he hates his agent and wants to take his home off the market and re-list with me after the new year?

3) Stop talking about views that do not exist: Oh you can see the ocean on a perfectly clear day if you are seven feet tall through the Hubble telescope on the roof deck that we can not access? Oh you can see downtown from the master if the adjacent apartment complex was demolished? Oh you can see the neighbors having sex through the guest bedroom if you don't frost the windows?!

4) Stop telling me how busy you are today: My client and I do not care how many fake escrows you are in right now. Yes, we were five minutes late to the showing. Get over it and walk us around the house we are trying to accomplish the same goal here.

5) Stop saying: "follow up" so much: I do not know why this bothers me. But, it does. Agents love saying "follow up" more than they love prematurely counting their commission before they even write. Just say you will talk to your client and get back to me. Also, don't say "touch base" anymore. It sounds sexual.

Who To Bring To Your Office Holiday Party

So, your office party is in two weeks and you have nobody to take. Assuming you are single or just hate your spouse, here is a simple guide on who to choose as your date.

1) Take someone who is at least somewhat in your league:

I have been to office parties where some dudes have shown up with girls that are ten times better looking than them and it just looks stupid. Do not take anyone you have to pay just to be with you.

2) Take someone who will dress classy:

If you are a girl, do not take a guy who thinks he can dress like Pharrell. In fact, do not take anyone who will wear a hat at all. This is not the Kentucky Derby. Also, make sure your date wears something appropriate. I'm always down for boobs, but keep it under control this is a work party not the Playboy Mansion.

3) Take someone within your age range:

Last year I saw a thirty year old girl with someone who looked like they belonged in a retirement home. Everyone was talking about it. I am still talking about it. Like...I wonder what was going on there?

4) Take someone who can handle their liquor:

Open bars can be dangerous for anyone, especially Realtors. Make sure your date can hang with your coworkers without blacking out and projectile vomiting on your office manager.

5) Take someone who actually likes you as a person:

This may be difficult. However, it is important to take a date that will speak positively about you behind your back. The last thing you want is your date running their mouth about your gambling addiction while you are taking a piss.

10 Fictional Clients I Wish I Never Had

1) Larry David (Creator of Seinfeld)

Mr. David was a nightmare to work with from the beginning. He fired me because I tried to elevate "small talk" to "medium talk" with his assistant.

2) Bob Knight (Former Head Coach of the Indiana University)

Bob was great to work with until I recommended staging his house. He ended up chucking one of the kitchen chairs at a potential buyer for making a low-ball offer.

3) Khaleesi (Game of Thrones)

I originally took her as my client because she is smoking hot. However, it was impossible to find her a spacious Victorian in the Hills with a three car garage, pool, and a 40,000 square foot dungeon for her dragons.

4) Gollum (Lord of the Rings)

Not only did this "guy" smell like Orc shit, but he only talked in plurals. He kept calling me his "Agentses" and was always scraping around the backyard for some engagement ring one of the buyers dropped.

5) Two-Face (Batman)

I was the listing agent on Mr. Dent's home. Every time I brought this asshole an offer he would flip a coin to decide whether or not he would accept it. Then he would just end up killing the buyer.

6) Chumbawamba (Creator of Tubthumping)

These anarchists were clinically insane. Not only were they not pre-qualified, but they would only let me play one song the whole time they were in my car.

7) Sayid (The Iraqi Torturist from LOST)

He was just impossible to negotiate with.

8) Monk (Detective played by Tony Shalhoub)

We have all had sellers who are OCD. Monk took it to a whole new level. He cancelled the listing because I did not refill his Brita water filter to the level he left it at.

9) Al Gore (Creator of "An Inconvenient Truth")

He wanted bathrooms that filtered out his own urine into sustainable drinking water. Enough said.

10) Kobe Bryant (Former Los Angeles Lakers Star)

He originally thought he could sell his house completely by himself. After failing miserably he hired me and then proceeded to fire me because I was two seconds late to a showing. He also questioned my commitment to the industry as a whole.