Daniel Stillwater is one of the youngest agents at his brokerage in Santa Barbara. After scouring the MLS for a three-bedroom condo for about twenty minutes, he decided to watch a Youtube video that his buddy sent him over Facebook messenger. An agent sitting next to him at the time reports that Daniel put on his candy red Beats (headphones) and watched multiple videos of penguins tripping over a rope. A local Title Rep begging for his attention described the scene: "he snickered to himself for about fifteen minutes straight before watching a video of Russel Westbrook's Top Ten Dunks of 2014." Daniel eventually transitioned to an Elite Daily article titled, "Seven Reasons to Have Sex With a Pisces." His office manager strolled up the stairs behind Daniel after checking up on multiple agents. Without flinching, Daniel effortlessly opened an MLS tab in the top right corner of his screen. He began clicking around as if he was in the middle of an important search. Without hesitation, the office manager nodded his head and continued to lurk on the other agents. Daniel Stillwater will go down in history as the inventor of the "MLS open-tab technique." As realtors, we will forever owe him our praise and respect.
Questions That Should Have Been On The Real Estate Exam Part 2
1) If you have an exclusive listing on the property, and the seller calls you at 10PM to complain about the property description. You should:
A) Pick up the phone and calm them down.
B) Let it go to voicemail, you are "asleep" and will call them in the morning.
C) Ignore it and email them in the morning.
D) Go insane on the seller and explain that adding an extra comma isn't going to sell their home.
2) As the listing agent, when nobody comes to the open house, you should:
A) Hold it open again and again and expect a different result without changing up any of the marketing.
B) Blame it on the weather.
C) Call your seller and tell them "that a few groups came by, but nobody seemed interested."
D) Leave thirty minutes early and pray your seller doesn't come back before it's over.
3) An agent obtains an oral listing contract from a seller, without any written contract. The agent should:
A) Obtain a written contract before the seller completely backstabs you and goes with a different agency.
B) Count his/her commission on that home immediately.
C) Tell everyone in the office about their upcoming listing.
D) All of the above
4) When driving passed an In-N-Out Burger on the way to your showing, one should:
A) Stop and get a double double with animal fries no matter what.
B) Drive past and go to the showing on time.
C) Stop and gage the drive-thru line.
D) Go after your showing.
5) When inspections are scheduled for all day Saturday, an agent should:
A) Reschedule them.
B) Suck it up and go, but bring a phone charger.
C) Send their assistant.
D) Either A or C.
6) When studying for the real estate salesperson exam, one should:
A) Expect the test to look nothing like the practice test.
B) Study nothing but the math problems.
C) Google every answer and then take the Crash Course without learning the actual material.
D) Take practice tests and memorize the answers without learning a thing.
7) Broker Bob has a listing on Seller Steve’s house. Seller Steve asks Broker Bob to turn off all the lights and lock the doors when he is done with the open house. Broker Bob has sat the open 10 weeks in a row and has never forgotten to do this. But, Seller Steve insists on saying it every single time anyway. Broker Bob should:
A) Act like it is the first time he has said it and reply with: "of course."
B) Leave all of the lights on to prove a point.
C) Punch Seller Steve in the face for patronizing him every single time he comes to the house.
D) Smile and act like it doesn't kill him inside.
8) When getting an Instagram follow request from another agent in your office, one should:
A) Accept it.
B) Ignore it.
C) Create another account just for your real estate business and then request them to avoid them seeing your pics.
D) Not sure, but somebody should do a post on this..
The Five Most Common Cold Call Responses
After two years of cold calling I came up with some general data of my success rate. But, don't let this discourage you...
If I called a hundred numbers, I probably got around twenty answers. Of those twenty answers, ten of them were the actual person I was trying to reach. Of those ten, five of them actually talked to me for more than ten seconds. Of those five, I got one meeting. Remember, "it's a numbers game." Here were the most common responses that I documented. But, some people are better at this than I am.
1) "This number has been disconnected."
2) An excruciating dial tone that made my ears bleed.
3) Someone answers, but it is the wrong number.
4) A member of their family, usually their third cousin who lives on the other side of the country answers.
5) "We are not selling anymore."
Here is a video of what I just wrote:
Real Estate Porn
What REALLY Turns Real Estate Agents On:
When you actually have a free weekend with no showings, no opens, and no inspections.
When you find a water bottle in the fridge at your open when you are deathly hungover.
When you get this text from your buyer and they are so excited that they can't even spell correctly:
When a hot girl comes into your open house without her husband and no kid.
When the TV at your open is already on with Football on the screen.
When you schedule all of your showings successfully within a close proximity of each other.
Finding out you and a potential buyer went to the same college and you "connect" over it.
When you crush a listing appointment and they play your song on the radio.
When a listing across the street goes up and you hold opens during their opens and to get their traffic.
Realtor Confessions: The Weirdest Thing You Have Walked In On
Last weekend I walked in on an agent playing Bop It at a dead open house. I posted it to Instagram and captioned it: "What is the weirdest thing you have walked in on?" As I expected, the results were stunning and hilarious.
Here is my original post:
Here are the comments:
A Realtor at a Coffee Shop
Have you ever said to yourself: "I'm going to work at Starbucks today?" Well today, I said that, and let me tell you it was the most miserable experience of my life. The reason to work at Starbucks is simple: you are too lazy to drive to the office, but you want to trick yourself into thinking you are being more productive in a public setting. My reason for working at Starbucks was also simple: I had to get out of my apartment before I blasted a hole in my computer with my 6-iron. I got an email this morning from some asshole agent that the offer I submitted yesterday was rejected. Chill. So, I decided to put on my sandals and head over to the Starbucks across the street to get some quality lead gen in. The second I got there I regretted my decision. The line was almost out the door, and the only place available to put my laptop was at a community table with a couple of actual aliens. Also, there was another agent sitting behind me with his bluetooth in obnoxiously yelling on the phone. How could I tell he was an agent? He literally had a name tag on with his brokerage tattooed across his collared shirt. I'll leave the brokerage open for interpretation.
After getting my pumpkin spice latte (yes, they are incredible), I opened up my computer and began poking around the MLS. After one sip I had to immediately use the restroom where the barista gave me some elaborate code that I forgot upon hearing. It was six digits long. Once I got back to my uncomfortable communal seat I put in my headphones to drown out: "April, you're venti iced with whole milk is ready!" every five seconds. After ten minutes of solid email responding, I decided to get one of those "Thai Chicken Wraps" to hold me over for another hour or so. I took one bite of it and almost puked up the entire thing on the fake author across from me. Once my computer died, I packed up my bag and went back to the comfort of my own home. In conclusion, the office might be better than a coffee shop.
Video: Woman Addicted to Being Furniture
Poem: Buyers Are Liars
Buyers are liars — we all know this is true,
My real-life examples I will share with you.
Let’s begin with a man who I met in the fall
At a sunglass kiosk in the back of the mall.
I showed him eight homes in the month of November;
When I followed up, it’s like he didn’t remember.
“Hey, Jon! It’s me; are you back in L.A.?
Do you have some time to see that listing today?”
A glimmer of hope — but already I know
His voice mail picked up three times in a row.
He never left; he has been dodging my calls …
What a waste of time and a kick to my balls!
Just a week to this day, my friend hit me up.
He wanted a condo for his girlfriend and pup.
I sent him some homes … and two hours later
He’s repped by his cousin, who is also a waiter.
At my open last Sunday, this couple waltzed through:
A nice older lady and her husband named Drew.
He wanted to write; his words cut like a knife.
“I don’t make decisions; talk to my wife.”
Drove this woman around for a couple of weeks
With a kid and her beagle, cleverly named “Squeaks.”
My whole weekend was wasted on this pointless hunt;
She was six months in debt, plus Squeaks crapped in the front.
I have one buyer left for a six-month lease,
So I picked up the phone and dialed my niece.
She answered and spoke the words we all fear:
“Thanks, but I’ll wait until the new year.”
Video: Moving In To A New Place With A Roomie
I posted this like six months ago and nobody cared. This is a hilarious video. Kyle Mooney is a genius and one of the originators of funny online videos. Watch his channel for the best stuff on YouTube. He now is killing it at SNL.
Here is his stuff: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCi5LWGay0KkESHzImWIIzcA
Questions That Should Have Been On The Exam Pt. 1
1) A listing saleseperson tells a buyer that “this is the nicest house in the neighborhood.” This would be an example of:
A) Actual Fraud
B) Concealment
C) Bull-shitting your buyer hoping they will write an offer that will eventually lead to you making money
D) Puffing
2) Susan owns a house which she leases to Sally. Sally had unprotected sex with Susan’s husband in that same house. Which of these two parties has an estate in the property?
A) Susan
B) Sally
C) Susan and Sally
D) Susan should now get tested
3) The most common area of real estate practice is:
A) Sale of residential properties
B) Sale of commercial property
C) Real estate Development
D) Literally not doing shit
4) When compared to a practice of selling residential properties, one who sells commercial properties would expect:
A) To have less sex
B) Fewer transactions, larger commission checks, and less women
C) More transactions, but smaller commission checks and less women
D) More transactions, but larger commission checks and no women
5) John sold his house to David. In the deed, John inserted a restriction stating that if the property were to ever sell alcoholic beverages, he would blow David’s head off with a shotgun. David’s ownership is best described as:
A) Fee simple absolute
B) Life estate
C) Fee simple defeasible
D) Stick to flippin’ drugs David
6) A standard township would include how many sections:
A) 36
B) 18
C) 10
D) You will never hear this word ever again except on this test
7) Broker Bob has a listing on Seller Steve’s house. In Steve’s presence, Bob tells a buyer that Steve is out of his fucking mind and needs to sell his house before the government takes the house. What authority has Broker Bob to make that statement?
A) Actual Authority
B) Ostensible Authority
C) Estoppel authority
D) No authority
8) When a property is sold “as-is,” and a licensee who has a listing on the property knows that the roof is going to collapse at any moment and destroy everything in inside, the licensee:
A) Can leave it up to the seller to disclose the roof problem
B) Is under no obligation to disclose the roof
C) Must disclose the roof problem to the buyer
D) Should close his mouth and sell the house and get his commission and peace
9) Which of the following issues would not be considered whether a person can legally sign a contract?
A) The age of the person
B) Whether the person had been declared clinically insane by court
C) Whether the person has over 100 followers on Instagram
D) Whether the person has used the expression: “story of my life” before
10) The “front-end ratio” would consider:
A) Would consider how proportional a woman’s cleavage is to her waist
B) Car payments related to a car loan w/ four years remaining for maturity
C) Both A and B
D) None of the above
The Best Real Estate Scenes in Film History
1) I Love You, Man: Crop Dusting Around the Open
Peter Klaven is LA's "biggest" realtor.
2) Step Brothers: Selling the House
Take notes if you want to prevent your rival agent from selling their listing.
3) Up: The sickest mobile house ever.
If you did not cry during this movie you have no soul.
4) American Beauty: I will sell this house today.
Everyone needs a little pep talk in the mirror once in a while.
5) Bruno: Deleted Scene
I can see why they deleted this...
6) Curb Your Enthusiasm: Larry prevents an office tenant from moving in to keep control of the AC.
This is an extreme, yet effective approach.
7) The Money Pit: The Stairs Are Out
Their agent did not disclose anything.
8) The Best Man: The Realtor
I am guessing most of you have not seen this movie. However, Seth Green does a fantastic job at making a closet seem like a third bedroom.
9) Funny Farm: Selling Your Country House
The most successful FSBO ever. If only real estate transactions were this easy.
10) Modern Family: Phil Dunphy explains, "Always Be Closing."
He is a true salesman.
11) Always Be Closing: Glengarry Glen Ross
The REAL ABC
12) American Beauty: Getting Nailed by the Real Estate King
The Most Insane Property Description Ever
Nestled in a quiet cul de sac in a great location, this recently remodeled Spanish gem is the epitome of indoor-outdoor living. 3 bedrooms + 2 bathrooms, sweeping views of city lights and canyon from spacious roof deck. Includes guest bedroom and office (possible fourth bedroom) on the second level. Walking distance to all major shopping and a stone's throw away from trendy restaurants. Natural lighting, open spaces, and hardwood floors grace the family room which offers views to the spacious backyard. Please call Listing Agent 1 for showings. Property must be seen to be appreciated.
TRANSLATION:
Sandwiched between two frat houses near a construction site, this ancient shack is located in a predominately gang-infested neighborhood. Beautiful city views (if you have access to the Hubble telescope) from the soon-to-collapse roof. Also, the foundation has more dry rot than The Black Pearl from Pirates of the Caribbean. Includes a guest bedroom and office which can be converted into a fourth bedroom if you plan on torturing your guests. You can get to the nearest shopping in five minutes with access to a fighter jet, and you are a "stone's throw away" from Burger King if you are Tom Brady. Natural lighting, holes in the ceiling, and concrete floors in the family room offer views to a the small cluster of weeds in the back. Please call Listing Agent 1 for showings and inquiries. This property is a pile of shit.
Pictures of Hot Dudes For Female Agents
I just realized that the majority of my audience is female! So, here are some hot guys.
I just ruined my Google Search for you girls. I hope you enjoyed that montage of face guys.
The Hogwarts of Real Estate
Hufflepuff Agents
Hufflepuff agents are super nice and easy going. You do not want to be a Hufflepuff agent, but you definitely want to do deals with them. They are easy to negotiate with and easy to push around because they fear human confrontation. They will do anything for their client and almost anything for you. If you need them to cover an inspection, they will be there. If you need them to send over some paperwork, they will do it without hesitation. They may have a certain demeanor of entitlement because they are not assholes and are always doing positive things for their friends and family. Hufflepuffs are also wizards with paperwork because they are too nice to ask other people to do it for them. They are probably involved with multiple non-profit organization and regularly attend a Church or Synagogue. Hufflepuffs were in those mediocre/religious affiliated fraternities in college that girls would feel "safe" around. Some of them drink a little, but never to excess. Staying away from alcohol and drugs gives some gifted Hufflepuffs the ability to become stellar agents. Constantly improving their bodies and consistently abiding by the Ten Commandments give the Hufflepuffs a major edge in their client follow-up and organization.
Ravenclaw Agents
If you are reading this you are probably not a Ravenclaw agent because they are off doing weird shit and not reading comedy blogs. So, assuming you are not a Ravenclaw, you probably do not regularly communicate with the Ravenclaw agents in your office. They are under-the-radar. They most likely specialize in a particular area of real estate or focus on a very specific region. They are obsessed with their assistants and they keep to themselves. They are either extremely successful or broke as hell because nobody wants to work with them. Maybe they even work for Redfin, who knows.
Slytherin Agents
These agents DGAF. They are assholes and they know it. They are powerful and they hate you. They can be super sleazy. They will bang their best friend’s girlfriend and maybe even their girlfriend’s mom. They are either extremely successful or menaces to the industry. Their parents were Slytherins and also have a shit ton of money that contributes to their child's success. They might act like they like you, but they do not give a shit about you. They are in SAE at every university. They command respect, but nobody actually really wants to be around them because they are scared. They will do anything for a commission and they will probably get it.
Gryffindor Agents
Everyone wants to work with the Gryffindor agent. The are most likely attractive and have an endless network of rich friends and family. They are experienced, trustworthy, and will always tell it to you straight. They are willing to sacrifice a commission for their reputation and the good of their client. They do everything right to the point where it is almost annoying. You envy them. You want to be a Gryffindor agent.
Video Of Fake Book Covers On The Subway
The Seller That Never Leaves: A Poem
Let me tell you a tale of a terrible dream
Where I awoke at an open to a loud haunting scream
'Twas a dark wooden house with a bottomless glare
Where the seller never left, he was constantly there
On my way to his house tense and afraid
I turned on his street where I hoped and I prayed
To be alone in his home with no miserable heat
But there was his car parked right on the street
I walked up to the door and counted to three
It slowly creaked open as I twisted the key
I flipped on the light and tiptoed around
No sign of the seller, no greeting or sound
I checked in the den and checked in his room
I even looked in the closet behind the broom
I stepped out in the yard and picked up every stone
I was finally at peace, I was finally alone!
Back in the house I relaxed in a chair
In my cell phone reflection I parted my hair
I looked down at my screen, my heart started to race
I saw a sadistic grin across my seller’s face
I snapped out of my haze and let out a scream
For I opened my eyes, it was only a dream
I awoke from my haze and said, "I am fine"
Then I heard him behind me say, “Rise and shine!”
Birthday Wishes You Get In The Office
My birthday was last Wednesday. Expecting nothing from my broker, I was shocked to see that I received a signed card from a good portion of the agents in my office. When I opened the card I noticed that a majority of my coworkers wrote similar wishes. Some were personal while most were generic. Naturally, I decided to analyze every single wish scribbled on the card and outline the hidden meaning of each one.
This is what I came up with:
“Happy Birthday”
This is like the “k” of birthday wishes. This person is basically saying, "Fuck You." They did not even take the time to use my name, let alone any punctuation to signal a genuine birthday wish. This usually comes from someone in the office that is more important than you or someone that actually hates you.
“Happy birthday, hope all is well”
This birthday wish appeared multiple times on my card. “Hope all is well.” I sometimes sign off emails with this when I have nothing else to say. This person does not care if you are well or if you have a malignant tumor protruding from your face. Usually, you receive this type of wish on Facebook from a former acquaintance in high school that you have not spoken with in years. I do appreciate the extra thirty seconds it took them to write: "I hope all is well," but they should know if I am well or not because I see them every single day.
“Happy birthday (insert name), make it count!”
This was the most common and most acceptable diction for my birthday wishes. It hides personal feelings and shows a little extra effort. It is the "safe wish."
"Happy birthday! Let's grab lunch soon on me!"
This is a kind gesture. I do appreciate the fact that you are willing to sacrifice an hour of your spare time to buy me some sushi. However, I would rather spend my one hour lunch break with myself. Now, every time I walk by this guys's office we have to have some fake conversation about our inevitable lunch date that we are both praying will never happen. For the past week I have exited out the back of my office just to avoid this interaction.
"Get Hammered tonight”
This guy thinks he’s hilarious and writes something like: “get hammered” on your card. Creative? No. But, it stands out and should be more appreciated than a generic birthday wish.
The demeaning pet name: “Happy birthday buddy.”
This person is trying to establish dominance on your birthday by calling you: "buddy or pal."
The follow-up thank you status on Facebook:
This was not written on my card. I just want people to understand that this is not necessary. “I wanted to thank everyone for all the birthday wishes today. I really do have the most caring family and friends in the world and couldn’t ask for better people in my life.” Was that necessary? This person wants to milk fifty more bull-shit likes out of everyone and remind them once again that their birthday took place. Do not do this.
