The Seller That Never Leaves: A Poem

Let me tell you a tale of a terrible dream

Where I awoke at an open to a loud haunting scream

'Twas a dark wooden house with a bottomless glare

Where the seller never left, he was constantly there

On my way to his house tense and afraid

I turned on his street where I hoped and I prayed

To be alone in his home with no miserable heat

But there was his car parked right on the street

I walked up to the door and counted to three

It slowly creaked open as I twisted the key

I flipped on the light and tiptoed around

No sign of the seller, no greeting or sound

I checked in the den and checked in his room

I even looked in the closet behind the broom

I stepped out in the yard and picked up every stone

I was finally at peace, I was finally alone!

Back in the house I relaxed in a chair

In my cell phone reflection I parted my hair

I looked down at my screen, my heart started to race

I saw a sadistic grin across my seller’s face

I snapped out of my haze and let out a scream

For I opened my eyes, it was only a dream

I awoke from my haze and said, "I am fine"

Then I heard him behind me say, “Rise and shine!”

Agent Attends Office Meeting For First Time in Four Years. Leaves After Seeing There Was No More Food.

Gary Deiter, a 67-year-old real estate agent in Vermont avoided going to office meetings for four years. “They were honestly just boring as shit,” he said. However, Gary received an email at the beginning of the week that sparked his attention. “Usually I can’t stomach the food they serve, but this week they were catering from my favorite Deli,” he explained. “I was so hungry that day. The office was in between my showings and I just had no other choice." At the meeting, a witness said he saw Gary come in about eight minutes late where he started to inch his way to the back. Apparently, this office meeting was more crowded than usual because it was “mandatory,” making it slightly more difficult for Gary to make his way around the chairs. Another agent said she noticed Gary slowly shuffling toward the finger sandwiches as if to not bother any one. Gary’s closest friend and golf partner, Jason Rosen, said he watched the whole thing: “Yeah I saw Gary come in. I was pretty shocked to see him but then remembered that he loves that deli. I noticed he started off in the back there, and made his way to the sandwiches. By the time he got to them there was only a couple left, but they were falling apart and didn’t have any meat on them.” Another agent said he heard Gary muddle a series of “F-bombs” upon his discovery of the battered sandwiches. I asked Gary what he did once he realized there was no more food. “I faked a phone call and got the hell out there,” he exclaimed. It is safe to say that this was Gary’s last office meeting.   

Receptionist Quits Real Estate Brokerage After Receiving too Many Friend Requests

Twenty-three year-old San Diego State graduate Amy Bridges recently took a reception position at a small real estate brokerage in Long Beach. “I thought it would be great to work in the same industry that my dad was in,” she said. “I even started studying for the exam by taking some online classes!” However, after just four days Amy began to get “creeped out by some of the agents.” According to the office manager, all the guys, even the ones with wives, were ferociously hitting on Amy. An anonymous source tells us that Amy received four new Instagram followers, seven G-Chats, and ten new friend requests after sitting at her desk for just three hours. “I was overwhelmed,” Amy said. “It’s like they have never seen a girl before.” Sources added that she was “pretty hot, but wore a little too much makeup.” A local Title Rep named Nate Fergens was the straw that broke the camel’s back. A witness said he “hovered around her desk for about twenty minutes before asking her if she wanted to go see My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2.” Amy resigned just before the office meeting last Thursday. 

The Jungle Book Monkey Dancing Scene: Video

If you are bored in your office watch this. It will put a smile on your face. They better keep this in the new Jungle Book Movie.  This might be the best Disney song of all time. 

How to Hire the Perfect Assistant

Hiring the right assistant can mean everything for your business. Do it the right way and follow my taboo guidelines to picking the perfect person for your business.

How much should I pay?

The immediate answer is simple. Make it an unpaid internship for the first three months with the possibility of a salary offer. You need a trial period to make sure your assistant knows how to do all of your dirty work and does not sound like Lou Holtz on the phone.  If you end up hiring them, offer them slightly above minimum wage and a percentage of each deal that you close. Explain to them that they will have a tremendous opportunity to make twice their salary after closings. They have no idea you only do two deals a year. Keep in the mind that the training and experience you are offering them is priceless!

Does their background matter?

No it does not. You do not need an Ivy League degree to sell a house. Having a solid resume is a plus, but it means absolutely nothing in the real estate industry. To be completely honest, it does not even really matter if they have a license. But do make sure they have their driver’s license so they can drive you to your inspections after kicking too many back during happy hour.

Should my assistant have a license?

This sounds like a dumb question. Why would you ever want to hire an assistant that does not have their license? I am telling you that there are pros and cons to both. Hiring an assistant with a license is good for legality purposes. However, you will have to worry about them wanting to get on deals with you and eventually become their own agent. This is why you must hire someone that is okay with being an assistant for a large portion of their career.

Do I hire a man or woman? (Because I am a guy. I will do it from a guy’s perspective.)

This is the most important decision you will make. Traditionally, a woman will be more loyal and better with customer service. However, their emotions can be a wild-card when dealing with difficult clients and time constraints. Guys can also make great assistants, but they usually use this position as a stepping stone for the next move in their career.

If you decide to hire a female assistant, you must take into consideration their level of attractiveness. Of course you want a hot assistant, but you have to decide if her cleavage will distract you from your daily tasks of doing absolutely nothing. You do not want to be fantasizing about the girl sitting in the same room as you when you should be following up with the three people that came your open. If you decide to hire a female, hire someone in the 6-7.5 range, not someone you would be afraid to wear gym shorts around. Also, accents are always a plus. So, basically the ideal assistant is a British 7 with phenomenal conversation skills and slightly revealing clothing.

If you decide to hire a guy, make sure that his ambitions do not outshine his duties. You want to hire a guy that is cool, but not that cool. If he actually has a social life and parties you should not hire him because he will be out of commission on the weekends. You should hire someone that is slightly a nerd and that is not quite smart enough to realize that you are underpaying him for doing your entire job.

 

Birthday Wishes You Get In The Office

My birthday was last Wednesday. Expecting nothing from my broker, I was shocked to see that I received a signed card from a good portion of the agents in my office. When I opened the card I noticed that a majority of my coworkers wrote similar wishes. Some were personal while most were generic. Naturally, I decided to analyze every single wish scribbled on the card and outline the hidden meaning of each one.

This is what I came up with:

“Happy Birthday” 

This is like the “k” of birthday wishes. This person is basically saying, "Fuck You." They did not even take the time to use my name, let alone any punctuation to signal a genuine birthday wish. This usually comes from someone in the office that is more important than you or someone that actually hates you.

“Happy birthday, hope all is well”

This birthday wish appeared multiple times on my card. “Hope all is well.” I sometimes sign off emails with this when I have nothing else to say. This person does not care if you are well or if you have a malignant tumor protruding from your face. Usually, you receive this type of wish on Facebook from a former acquaintance in high school that you have not spoken with in years. I do appreciate the extra thirty seconds it took them to write: "I hope all is well," but they should know if I am well or not because I see them every single day.

“Happy birthday (insert name), make it count!”

This was the most common and most acceptable diction for my birthday wishes. It hides personal feelings and shows a little extra effort. It is the "safe wish."

"Happy birthday! Let's grab lunch soon on me!"

This is a kind gesture. I do appreciate the fact that you are willing to sacrifice an hour of your spare time to buy me some sushi. However, I would rather spend my one hour lunch break with myself.  Now, every time I walk by this guys's office we have to have some fake conversation about our inevitable lunch date that we are both praying will never happen. For the past week I have exited out the back of my office just to avoid this interaction.

"Get Hammered tonight”

This guy thinks he’s hilarious and writes something like: “get hammered” on your card. Creative? No. But, it stands out and should be more appreciated than a generic birthday wish.

The demeaning pet name: “Happy birthday buddy.”

This person is trying to establish dominance on your birthday by calling you: "buddy or pal."

The follow-up thank you status on Facebook: 

This was not written on my card. I just want people to understand that this is not necessary. “I wanted to thank everyone for all the birthday wishes today. I really do have the most caring family and friends in the world and couldn’t ask for better people in my life.” Was that necessary? This person wants to milk fifty more bull-shit likes out of everyone and remind them once again that their birthday took place. Do not do this.

Four Conversation Topics That All Agents Should Master

Real estate agents meet new people every day. This requires us to have strong conversation skills to maintain favorable communication with a variety of different personalities and backgrounds. One thing I have always prided myself on is my ability to adapt to different social groups. I have spent my whole life educating myself on the different cultures around the world and within America. Actually, that is not true at all. I have done nothing to diversify myself whatsoever. But, I have come to the conclusion that knowing four major topics can help get you through conversations, and maybe even lead to some business.

*** Advice: Before we dive into the four conversation topics: I always recommend keeping the conversation as far away from real estate as possible because if you know as much as I do, you do not know anything.

The Four Major Topics

Weather:

This is the lowest form of conversation for basically any situation. You talk about the weather with people that you have nothing else in common with. It is the most agreeable topic and is almost impossible to get wrong unless you are a complete idiot. Also, everyone will agree with what you say regardless if they even believe it themselves because they are on auto-pilot and do not actually care. If it is anywhere above 70 degrees I will open with: "hot out there today huh?" Depending on their response, I then transition the conversation to if they are from "around here," or somewhere else in the United States. If they are foreign I am usually shit out of luck and have nothing else to say.

Location:

Always pray they are from an area that you know. This gives you the opportunity to follow it up with something that sounds super genuine: "Oh Cincinnati, what part? My cousin actually lives in that area." However, you have never been to Cincinnati in your life. For me, the best part of the location question is that it leads to my follow up sports question.

Sports:

Being knowledgeable about sports is extremely helpful in the real estate industry. I have garnered a lot of my relationships with buyers through discussing a sports topic. It is a great way to connect with someone on a more personal level, and is also the perfect tool to use in your follow up emails. This way it makes your email feel more personal and acts as a buffer instead of annoying the shit out of them. For example, I had a buyer from New York who loved the Giants. I began every email with a little update on the Giants each week like: "Manning is a joke, but do you want Coughlin fired?" Although this tactic did not result in an actual purchase (obviously), it did allow me to keep a friendly rapport and may lead me to future business when they decide to sell the home that they did not purchase through me. Now that football, basketball, and hockey are over there is not much to talk about. So, it might be difficult to find someone who cares about mid-season baseball or Dustin Johnson for the next couple of months. Good luck.

Movies:

Always know what major movies are out, especially the kids movies. This way, if the buyer has kids you can ask them if they have taken them to the new movie out. Today, you can use "Inside Out," which is about feelings having feelings. It did decent on Rotten Tomatoes. They might ask you if you have kids. Never outright lie and say that you do if you do not. Always say no, but that you are planning on having them in the next couple years. They have no idea that you are depressed, single, and spend most of your nights drowning yourself in a cocktail of sleeping aids....Anyway, know what movies are out and maybe you can strike up an invigorating conversation.

5 Reasons I Decided Not To List The Playboy Mansion

1) I would not want to host showings knowing that the dude from karate kid probably planted his unwanted seed somewhere around the grotto.

2) The seller obviously has an emotional attachment to the house...Hef will actually literally be living there until he dies. Why have people not addressed how insane this is? Do you want to see his nut sack drooping out of his smoking jacket when you are setting up for your open? I don't think so!

3) I would not like the idea that I would be one of the few visitors who have never gotten laid in the house. I would constantly be disappointed.

4) I would feel the need to disclose the fact that Bill Cosby and other sexual predators were frequent guests...

5) Despite popular belief, I was never in the running to get this listing. This is the real reason I decided against it. If I had the opportunity, I would 100% list this house because it is one of the coolest, most iconic homes in American history. Plus the commission is insane.

 

How to Make People Aware You Work In Real Estate

How to subtly make people aware that you work in real estate without completely annoying the shit out of them.

This guy is a genius:

The Sympathy Facebook Status:

"I found this abandoned puppy in the street on Wednesday. He was limping and covered with dirt from head to paw. It makes me sick that people would ignore such an innocent and helpless animal. Over the past few days, I have nursed him back to health by bathing him and feeding him. He does not have a collar or a name, so I have been calling him Jameis Winston. He is free spirited and always happy despite the merciless abandonment he received from his previous owner. I took Jameis to the vet yesterday and had him checked for infections, worms, and fleas. He is completely free of all disease and is happier than ever. Unfortunately, I cannot take care of him due to my hectic schedule. If you know of anybody interested in adopting this gift from heaven, please let me know. Share this status with your friends and tag anybody that might know somebody interested in taking care of Jameis. I want nothing more than for my friend to find a comfortable home. Also, I want to find you a comfortable home. If you know anybody looking to buy or sell real estate, please let me know. My company, which is one of the biggest names in realty, has a great referral program."

10 Songs That Will Get You Through Anything In Real Estate

When you are halfway home after an open house and you realize you left your charger in the kitchen.

When you are on your way to a listing appointment and you are trying to get pumped up.

When you find out your best friend of twenty years used another realtor to purchase a new home.

When a sexy Escrow rep strolls into your open house.

When you close Escrow and get a fat commission check.

When the seller shows up before your open house is finished. 

When you are driving to the office and you realize that you can make a shit ton of money in real estate and have a sudden second-wind to your career despite years of underperforming.

When your seller decides to go with another agent and your listing expires.

When you are sitting a dead open house and the seller will not leave.

When your Title Rep gives you a weekly update on his marathon training for thirty minutes. 

10 Reasons Real Estate Agents Drink

1) Have you ever door-knocked sober?

2) Because you had a good day.

3) Because you had a bad day.

4) Have you ever been to a real estate conference? You have to be borderline blacked out to sit through different people telling you to make fifty calls a day.

5) Because you deal with an abundance of colossal pricks that do not care at all about how they are ruining your day or life.

6) Because Jack Daniels will not be your friend for thirty years and buy a house with someone else.

7) Because everyone in the office seems to think it is necessary to go to happy hour every single day.

8) Because your ex keeps posting pictures on Instagram having a fantastic time without you.

9) Because it cures your hangover before your open house.

10) Because your old client decided to go with a "Redfin agent" to pay less commission.

Three Hours of Paradise

The alarm sounds off as I awake in a fury

My head is throbbing and my vision blurry

My throat is dry and I’m still in my jeans

Sunday morning you know what that means

 

For the fifth week in a row at the same open house

Where nobody comes, no human or mouse

Flags and signs rattle in the depths of my trunk

As I drive in my car with my livelihood shrunk

 

I pull up to the home to my utter dismay

The owner is home, like he is every day

“Hello Broke Agent why is it not selling?”

Look Mr. Seller “there’s just no way of telling” 

 

Automatic responses engraved in my brain

For he is unrealistic and clearly insane

It is way overpriced with no curb appeal

And the owner won’t budge so no chance at a deal

 

So I turn on the lights and unlock the doors

Put my business cards out and sweep up the floors

Then lean back on the wall and I whip out my phone

As I prepare to be bored and for 3 hours alone

 

Almost halfway through with my sign-in sheet bare

I sink deeper and deeper into a chair

A slight knock at the door breaks up my trance

In enters Cheryl and her fiancé Lance

 

“First time here?” With a smile I greet

“Yes just looking we live right down the street!”

“Fantastic,” I say. My eyes roll in my head

“Take a look around there’s a bathroom and bed” 

 

Are you in the market? Are you looking to buy?

What is your budget? What style and why?

I ask all my questions with a shit-eating grin

Until I hear “what school district is this in?”

 

 I shake and I sweat like I’m riddled with flu

With a slight hesitation, I say “no fucking clue”

Just write me an offer or leave me in peace

But if you’re not looking to buy I’ll show you a lease

Star Wars: Real Estate Awakens

First off, if you have not seen Star Wars I flat out do not trust you. Second, if you like Star Trek better than Star Wars you have terrible taste. So, if you do not know who Chewbacca is please close your computer or phone and rethink your entire existence. Below is the office dynamic Star Wars style.

Understand that there are dark side agents and light side agents. Dark side agents will do anything and everything for a commission. They will literally screw their best friend's mother for a listing. They do not give a shit about you, your client, or the general common courtesy of humanity. You know exactly who they are in your office. Oh, they want to see a home right now and it does not fit your schedule? Fuck you! It fits their schedule. So, prepare to get yelled at and torn a new one as the evil empire makes you feel like an insignificant pile of over-used, scratched up open house signs.

Light side agents do everything by the book. They are the Hufflepuffs. They actually care about respect and reputation. You get it.

Darth Vader: This is the highest ranking person in your brokerage. Everyone is scared shitless of them and he/she can kill your entire career with one hand movement.

Salacious Crumb: This is the person that works on staff in your office. He will do everything for his boss and brokerage. He will laugh at everyone's terrible jokes and will never leave for a better job.

Jar Jar Binks: This agent literally does not know shit and has no place being in this industry at all.

Luke Skywalker: This is the younger agent in your office that is kind of helpless, but is well-liked and hard working. He is always seeking help from the elder agents (the Jedi Council), and eventually becomes a solid agent doing everything by the book.

Anakin Skywalker: This is the younger agent that starts in the business doing everything right. He makes the right connections and works his ass off training and recognizing market trends. He is talented. However, he realizes that he can get way more money if he starts screwing people over and becoming a huge asshole. He eventually fucks over everyone he knows and starts his own brokerage and becomes Vader.

Han Solo: This is the coolest agent in your office. He is probably having sex with the receptionist or at least one of the younger, hot assistants. He is also married to an absolute bombshell. You are not exactly sure how he gets his business, but you know he is killing it. He always comes into your office with a smirk and drops a one-liner that makes you say: "damn, this guy is the man."

Chewbacca: Chewy is the faithful agent assistant. He is not out there for himself, and he is loyal to his boss. He will do anything and everything to get a deal done for his boss. If he has to a show a house at 6AM on a Saturday in a blizzard he will do it because he knows he is rolling with Han.

Yoda: This is the person in your office that literally knows everything. Everyone turns to him for questions about anything real estate related. He has been in the industry since he was a fetus and has been training top agents forever.

The Bachelor Real Estate Review

Your Buyer, Ben Higgins:

Ben is your buyer. This is the buyer you are super stoked on because he's all cash, he's got a time limit, and he's easy to work with.  However, the more you show him around the more you start saying to yourself: "what the fuck is the matter with this guy?" He has absolutely no idea what he wants and he keeps telling you he wants "the house that has curb appeal with a strong foundation and a rich history." However, he never actually says what he wants specifically. He has about four pads that you know he is interested in, but you doubt he will ever pull the trigger and write an offer. He checks in with you regularly asking "were there any offers on Jo Jo yet?" You tell him: "no," but you have to make a move soon because Jo Jo will not be on the market forever. He acts like he understands you but then he just moves on to the next house. Ben basically took Emily all the way to to inspections (meeting his parents) and then realized that she was a complete idiot. She just wants to "sit around and watch movies." I hear you Emily but Ben is looking for something a little more "deep." Will Ben find a place before his lease is over? Who knows...

The Houses

Becca:

Becca is the house the buyer keeps bringing up that you can't even get in. Like, you literally can't even get a showing. It's not even on the market. Becca is a virgin. Ben eventually realizes that this house is just making a second, pathetic attempt at fame and he finally drops her.

Jo Jo:

Jo Jo is that perfect house within Ben's budget that he should buy immediately. However, Ben wants to explore his other options before purchasing the house that is obviously perfect for him. Jo Jo is the house that looks great on the outside, and just as good on the inside. Also, there is a hidden view that you had no idea existed until you went on the roof deck. AKA she has a fantastic rack.

Caila:

Caila is the most unique house Ben has viewed. She is a California Bungalow with a slight Asian finish. However, she left her previous boyfriend because she saw Ben on TV. This is huge red flag. If Ben puts in an offer I recommend a 45 day close so he can do his due diligence.

Amanda: 

Amanda is almost the perfect house for Ben. However, she is a little close to the freeway (so you might hear some traffic). AKA her voice is kind of annoying. Keep in mind that the family who lived there before is having trouble letting go of the home. Also, the family comes with the purchase of the home. She has kids...be smart here Ben.

Lauren B: 

Lauren B has incredible curb appeal. But, I feel like her previous listing agent did not disclose everything. There could be a leaky roof or something horribly wrong with the garage. Be careful here Ben.

The Listing Appointment from Hell

I walked up to the front and noticed a strange rectangular sculpture on the right side of the door. Before I knocked, I nonchalantly straightened the sculpture upright on the wall and wiped my feet on the doormat. Shortly after, the owner opened the door and invited me in his home. As I went to shake his hand, I noticed that he was wearing a Boston Red Sox cap.

“Ahh the Sox,” I said. “As a Yankees fan, it is safe to say that 2004 was one of the worst years of my life.”  The seller had absolutely no reaction to my statement and shut the door behind me.

I tried again: “Beautiful home you have here sir. How long have you and your family lived here?” He responded apathetically, “A few years. We really want to move closer to the city.”

I set my listing presentation on a coffee table and began to take out some brochures of my previous listings. “So might I ask, what did you not like about your other realtor? What do you want your next agent to do differently?”

He didn’t even look in my direction and responded, “Sell the damn home.” I started to get a little uneasy, so I took a sip of my water bottle and set it down on the table. He looked at me in horror and slapped the bottle to the ground before it even got settled. A small ring formulated on the wood where my water had been.

“Have you no respect?” He glared. I quickly apologized and wiped my shirt on the table to get rid of the ring. “Look sir, why don’t you give me a tour of the house, and I’ll give an idea of what I think we should price it at.”

As he walked me into one of the bedrooms, I noticed an odd collection of what looked to be a female model. I grinned and said, “Must be your son’s room. Hell of a set of buns on that broad.”

“That’s my daughter.” Of course it was. At this moment, I decided to throw in the towel and get out of there as soon as possible. I grabbed my comps and began to make my way to the door. “Thanks for your time,” I said reluctantly. “I went ahead and straightened that sculpture over your front door. It was a little crooked.” He looked at me in disbelief. “That is my mezuzah you idiot! I am Jewish!”

It is safe to say that I did not get that listing. When my partner asked me how the appointment went, I said, “He didn’t seem interested in selling. No motivation.”

What did I learn?

• Find things in common with your seller. Don’t bring up opposing viewpoints in sports, politics or religion.

• Put your water on a coaster.

• Do not make any flirtatious comments about the seller’s daughter — or son.

• A mezuzah (Hebrew: מְזוּזָה‎ “doorpost”; plural: מְזוּזוֹת mezuzot) is a piece of parchment (often contained in a decorative case) inscribed with specified Hebrew verses from the Torah. It is supposed to hang crooked.

5 Things Agents Should Stop Doing NOW

1) Stop over-selling your listing with pointless details: I had a showing a couple days ago where the other agent did not shut up the entire time. It took nearly thirty minutes to get out of the foyer before I had to cut him off midway through his historical thesis on the "foundation." He literally made my client hate the condo and hate him as a person. We were also late to our other showings because of this asshole. If you are an agent, you need to have social awareness. Nobody cares that the wallpaper was "imported from England" because it probably wasn't and that literally means nothing. Get it together.

2) Stop emphasizing how "motivated" your seller is: If your seller is so motivated then why has their home been on the market for three months without a price reduction or any form of staging? If your seller is so motivated then why did they reject my all-cash offer at asking? If your seller is so motivated then why is he personally emailing me saying that he hates his agent and wants to take his home off the market and re-list with me after the new year?

3) Stop talking about views that do not exist: Oh you can see the ocean on a perfectly clear day if you are seven feet tall through the Hubble telescope on the roof deck that we can not access? Oh you can see downtown from the master if the adjacent apartment complex was demolished? Oh you can see the neighbors having sex through the guest bedroom if you don't frost the windows?!

4) Stop telling me how busy you are today: My client and I do not care how many fake escrows you are in right now. Yes, we were five minutes late to the showing. Get over it and walk us around the house we are trying to accomplish the same goal here.

5) Stop saying: "follow up" so much: I do not know why this bothers me. But, it does. Agents love saying "follow up" more than they love prematurely counting their commission before they even write. Just say you will talk to your client and get back to me. Also, don't say "touch base" anymore. It sounds sexual.

Who To Bring To Your Office Holiday Party

So, your office party is in two weeks and you have nobody to take. Assuming you are single or just hate your spouse, here is a simple guide on who to choose as your date.

1) Take someone who is at least somewhat in your league:

I have been to office parties where some dudes have shown up with girls that are ten times better looking than them and it just looks stupid. Do not take anyone you have to pay just to be with you.

2) Take someone who will dress classy:

If you are a girl, do not take a guy who thinks he can dress like Pharrell. In fact, do not take anyone who will wear a hat at all. This is not the Kentucky Derby. Also, make sure your date wears something appropriate. I'm always down for boobs, but keep it under control this is a work party not the Playboy Mansion.

3) Take someone within your age range:

Last year I saw a thirty year old girl with someone who looked like they belonged in a retirement home. Everyone was talking about it. I am still talking about it. Like...I wonder what was going on there?

4) Take someone who can handle their liquor:

Open bars can be dangerous for anyone, especially Realtors. Make sure your date can hang with your coworkers without blacking out and projectile vomiting on your office manager.

5) Take someone who actually likes you as a person:

This may be difficult. However, it is important to take a date that will speak positively about you behind your back. The last thing you want is your date running their mouth about your gambling addiction while you are taking a piss.

10 Fictional Clients I Wish I Never Had

1) Larry David (Creator of Seinfeld)

Mr. David was a nightmare to work with from the beginning. He fired me because I tried to elevate "small talk" to "medium talk" with his assistant.

2) Bob Knight (Former Head Coach of the Indiana University)

Bob was great to work with until I recommended staging his house. He ended up chucking one of the kitchen chairs at a potential buyer for making a low-ball offer.

3) Khaleesi (Game of Thrones)

I originally took her as my client because she is smoking hot. However, it was impossible to find her a spacious Victorian in the Hills with a three car garage, pool, and a 40,000 square foot dungeon for her dragons.

4) Gollum (Lord of the Rings)

Not only did this "guy" smell like Orc shit, but he only talked in plurals. He kept calling me his "Agentses" and was always scraping around the backyard for some engagement ring one of the buyers dropped.

5) Two-Face (Batman)

I was the listing agent on Mr. Dent's home. Every time I brought this asshole an offer he would flip a coin to decide whether or not he would accept it. Then he would just end up killing the buyer.

6) Chumbawamba (Creator of Tubthumping)

These anarchists were clinically insane. Not only were they not pre-qualified, but they would only let me play one song the whole time they were in my car.

7) Sayid (The Iraqi Torturist from LOST)

He was just impossible to negotiate with.

8) Monk (Detective played by Tony Shalhoub)

We have all had sellers who are OCD. Monk took it to a whole new level. He cancelled the listing because I did not refill his Brita water filter to the level he left it at.

9) Al Gore (Creator of "An Inconvenient Truth")

He wanted bathrooms that filtered out his own urine into sustainable drinking water. Enough said.

10) Kobe Bryant (Former Los Angeles Lakers Star)

He originally thought he could sell his house completely by himself. After failing miserably he hired me and then proceeded to fire me because I was two seconds late to a showing. He also questioned my commitment to the industry as a whole.