The Real Estate Olympics

After watching the Olympics I thought it would be funny to come up with a list of events that realtors should compete in. Only the most disciplined and experienced realtors in the world will be able to handle THE REAL ESTATE OLYMPICS. 

1) The Silent Dinner Party

Location: Public restaurant. 

Duration: Two hours.

Rules: At a dinner party with ten wealthy people, how long can you last without telling everyone that you are a realtor. The realtor that avoids the topic for the longest amount of time wins the gold medal.

2) The Social Media Facade

Location: Office, car, couch, toilet, etc.

Duration: 24 hours.

Rules: This is a competition where realtors have a whole day to post about doing real estate activities without actually doing them. Let's stick to Twitter so there is a uniform character limit. You cannot post any motivational quotes that you did not make up yourself. You cannot recycle old pictures of yourself at a construction site. Must be all organic material. The person that loses the most followers, friends, and business wins gold.

3) The Post-Happy Hour Counter Offer

Location: Wherever the hell you want.

Duration: You have fifteen minutes before they are "reviewing offers."

Rules: Must have at least three drinks in one hour. Realtor that types up the cleanest offer with no mistakes in the quickest amount of time wins gold.

4) The Translator

Location: At a general inspection with your buyers.

Duration: Depends on the square footage of the house duh.

Rules: The realtor who most accurately explains what the inspector said to their clients will win gold. 

5) The Cross-Town Showing Race

Location: Your car.

Duration: 10 mile, rush hour, (gas blinking light on)

Rules: Your client texts you saying "I'm here with the other agent." Even though your client is like twenty minutes early, you do not want him/her talking with that other agent who happens to be a complete snake. You have to trust Google Maps and beat the other cars to their clients. First one there gets to take home the gold medal.

*No realtors may drink coffee throughout all events. Those who are caught "juicing" will be subject to expulsion and may be subject to further disciplinary actions by their brokerage. 

Realtor Steps Outside For Cigarette, Lights House On Fire

Losing a listing can be a huge hit to a realtor's psyche, reputation, and pocket book. It is common for a seller to switch real estate agents if their house does not sell in the time frame of the listing agreement. Sometimes the realtor does a poor job at marketing the property and other times the house is just overpriced. Neither situation was the case for Jason Bruce, a 34-year-old real estate salesman in Cincinnati. During a general inspection, Jason stepped out to the backyard to have a cigarette. "I only smoke when I'm drinking or if I'm stressed," Jason claimed. "I had a showing across town and the inspector was taking forever. I thought I might have to push back my appointment, so I decided to rip a heater." According to the Cincinnati Fire Department, Jason flicked his cigarette into some native foliage that flowed into the wooden deck out back. After his smoke, Jason went upstairs and ended up having a lengthy conversation about the air conditioning unit with the inspector. "I had no idea what the hell he was even talking about. He went on for like an hour about the dirty filter or some sh** and before I knew it the den was in flames," said Jason. The pair immediately called the fire department, but it was too late. The house burnt to the ground in less than two hours as the firemen managed to save the guest house. Nobody was injured. The seller has remained silent, but is taking legal action on Jason, who blamed the incident on the inspector. It is safe to say that Jason will not be getting an extension on the listing agreement. 

What Would Your Real Estate Rap Name Be?

I asked the question, "what would your real estate rap name be?" on social media and got some hilarious responses. Some people even wrote descriptions explaining their reasoning.  Below are the ones that I found the most entertaining because they were either terrible or actually slightly funny.  

Here is what THEY came up with: 

Yung CTC: "Because I always get that clear to close" 

Snoopy Soldy Sold

Warrenty-G: "I always push for warranted items" 

Lil Cold Call

Mama-C-Ta: "Because all my agents and clients are like my children"

Young Yamika

LL Sold Today: "Cause I make sales every day!"

Ice SubZeroT

Ol' Dirty Rental

Lil Magnet: "Because I attract all the buyers"

Mr. Steal Your Listing

Commish

MC Lok-Box

C Dilla that Title Rep Killa

Jonny Contingencies

No Clientele

Lil' Addendum

Young Zestimate

Crib Pusher

Flippin Bricks

FSBO Killa

Curb Appeal

MC DocyUment

Lil Facilitator

Defik8r: "droppin mad deuces at those opens yo!"

DJ Sweaty

My personal favorite is "Johnny Contingencies" because it so incredibly stupid. You may remember that I came out with a real estate rap video called "The Intro" last year and officially launched my rap name/names. "The Crow," because of all my Escrows/Dr. Dreidels/and THE BA. If you have not it is below for your viewing pleasure. I am coming up with a new rap video called "The Seller From Hell" dropping next week so stay tuned!

Agent Pulls Up MLS Tab on Computer As Office Manager Lurks Behind

Daniel Stillwater is one of the youngest agents at his brokerage in Santa Barbara. After scouring the MLS for a three-bedroom condo for about twenty minutes, he decided to watch a Youtube video that his buddy sent him over Facebook messenger. An agent sitting next to him at the time reports that Daniel put on his candy red Beats (headphones) and watched multiple videos of penguins tripping over a rope. A local Title Rep begging for his attention described the scene: "he snickered to himself for about fifteen minutes straight before watching  a video of Russel Westbrook's Top Ten Dunks of 2014." Daniel eventually transitioned to an Elite Daily article titled, "Seven Reasons to Have Sex With a Pisces."  His office manager strolled up the stairs behind Daniel after checking up on multiple agents. Without flinching, Daniel effortlessly opened an MLS tab in the top right corner of his screen. He began clicking around as if he was in the middle of an important search. Without hesitation, the office manager nodded his head and continued to lurk on the other agents. Daniel Stillwater will go down in history as the inventor of the "MLS open-tab technique." As realtors, we will forever owe him our praise and respect.    

Housing Inspector Fired After Third Toilet Clogging Offense

"I just couldn't take it anymore," said a disgruntled Dallas realtor named Lou Aarons. "The smell was unbearable and it almost lost me one of my deals." Lou ended a four year relationship with his general housing inspector this past weekend after he found the master bathroom in one of his listings overflowing. According to Lou, Ned Harris (55 years old) would ask to use the bathroom immediately upon arrival at their inspection appointments. "He would shake my hand and then sprint to the bathroom every single time," Lou said. "At first I shrugged it off because I know he lives on the other side of town from most of my listings. However, the past three homes he inspected were all left with un-flushable catastrophes." Lou explained that his buyers were present at the last inspection getting measurements for their furniture. Apparently, Ned was sneaking out of the master bath when they were getting the dimensions of the bedroom. The wife went in and let out a horrifying scream after witnessing the destruction that Ned had produced. Lou claims that the buyer fainted after finding fecal matter sprayed all over the ceiling. She tried to convince her husband to call off the deal. "It was at this point I realized that I could no longer work with Ned," Lou regretfully explained. "It's a shame because he did a very thorough job. But, he couldn't seem to control his explosive defecation tendencies." Sources say that Lou did end up closing the deal while Ned continues to look for work. 

Washington Realtor Hands Out Pot Cookies At Open House

A lot of real estate agents struggle getting people to come to their open houses. The reasons for a dead open are pretty straight forward: the house is priced too high, the neighborhood sucks, the marketing is weak, or the house is hideous. Unfortunately, there is not much you can do to lure people to your open other than the traditional ways that everyone knows about. These tactics include sending out flyers to all the neighbors, setting up more signs, promoting it on social media, or catering it with some overpriced, mediocre coffee service.

Tamara Scott, a 34 year-old Seattle based realtor, decided to take a different approach on the issue. She made cookies laced with marijuana. Then, she took some pictures of the edibles and promoted the living shit out of it. Her slogan was, "Come get high on some dank pot cookies and see a beautiful home." Over seventy people showed up. The house was packed. Everyone was ripped. 

One couple got so incredibly stoned that they wrote an offer on the spot. Above asking. Good for you Tamara, good for you. 

Realtor Flees Listing Appointment After Being Asked If He Has Sold Any Homes In the Area

Saturday morning, a Denver real estate agent named Ben Thorson had a listing appointment that didn't go quite to plan. Ben (27 years of age), got the referral from his younger cousin who put him in touch with a family he knew from high school. Ben had met the parents at a wedding six months ago and was under the assumption that it was "a lock" because he had "killed it with them" in their first meeting. Ben pulled up to the appointment in Cherry Creek confident and dressed to the nines. He had all of his comps printed out and a fresh new listing presentation laminated and bounded. He even had two of his business cards in the folder to emphasize his level of professionalism. Once they started talking about what to list the home for, the husband casually asked Ben if he had sold anything in the area. According to the husband, Ben started profusely sweating and began opening and closing different pages in his packet as if to look for the answer. Ben stumbled over his words and handed the couple a brochure of a house that he had listed over twenty miles away. After about ten seconds of deafening silence, Ben threw his chair to the side and dove head first out of the dining room window. Glass everywhere, the couple quickly slid to the window to see what had happened to Ben. They said they saw him sprinting at top speed down the street. A neighbor found his tie a mile down the road. He hasn't been heard from since. 

Unsolicited Erection Forces Agent to Cancel Open

Celebrating his biggest closing of the year, Jeff McAdoo took a couple buddies from his brokerage to Nick's steakhouse for some prime rib and scotch. Bill Dovey, who was also at the dinner, said that Jeff was extremely hungover the next morning and was planning to host a broker's open. Instead of giving Jeff an Aleve to help with his splitting headache, Bill accidentally gave him a 50 milligram, instant release Viagra pill. Jeff said he noticed blood rushing to his meat scepter the second he put out the sign-in sheet. He thought it might have been caused by the friction from his dress pants. But, it failed to subside as guests began to arrive. Jeff said he desperately attempted the "bend and tuck technique," but followed that up by admitting: "mine can't really do that." After an hour of holding a pillow his crotch, a female agent asked him to show her where the property line ended outside. Panicked, Jeff decided to place his hands in his pockets in an attempt to camouflage his raging flesh missile. Once he got to the backyard, Jeff pointed to a mesquite tree in the distance revealing a detailed outline of his tube slinky. She freaked and sprinted out of the house telling everyone what had happened. Embarrassed and defeated, Jeff closed his open house an hour early and returned to the office to confront Bill. 

Butt Naked Man Destroys Open House Signs With Baseball Bat

It was not your average day on caravan this Tuesday. At 1:30 PM, a butt naked man ran through West Hollywood destroying every open house sign in his path with an aluminum baseball bat. A witness said she saw him sprinting up La Brea to the corner of Sunset screaming out the word, "ass!" repeatedly. "He was helicoptering the bat over his head like a complete maniac. He also had the smallest d*** I have ever seen," she said. Hank Gherity, a fellow real estate agent who was hosting an open house in the Hollywood Hills, said he heard screams coming from down the street around 1:45 PM. "I ran out to see what was going on and saw the naked man smashing my open house signs to pieces. He was screaming: 'if I can't sell it, nobody can!' He also hacked down the telephone pole that my 'For Sale' sign was attached to," said Hank. Police are still in the process of trying to find the culprit who they believe to be a "jealous real estate agent." He was last seen discharging an alarming amount of feces on a bench advertisement of another agent. 

Real Estate Agent Fired For Wearing Wrinkled Shirt

Early this morning, a Brentwood-based real estate agent named Van Maynor (29 years old) was fired by his seller for wearing the same shirt to every single showing. The owner of the house, Monty Rosales, said that he could not trust someone who had such a poor taste in fashion. "It was a pink, Ralph Lauren dress-shirt that barely went to his wrists," Monty said. "It was always wrinkled and didn't even go with his pants. He also wore an undershirt that made it look even worse. I no longer wanted him representing my home." We caught up with Van back at the office who seemed relatively cavalier about the issue. "I probably should have gone to the dry cleaning because the shirt was ripping my nipples to pieces. That's why I started wearing a white-tee underneath it. I honestly thought Monty (the seller) never noticed. It was definitely a d**k move of him to get rid of me." We asked Van if he plans on expanding on his wardrobe in the near future. He said he might get a new Polo with the Amazon Gift Card that his sister gave him for his birthday.

Lingering Title Rep Gets Punched In The Face

A Baltimore Title Rep named Carl Kaminsky was viciously attacked by a disgruntled real estate agent late afternoon on Wednesday. "It was like any other day," Carl explained. "I was handing out some brand new calendars that my team made for the agents in the office. Midway through a friendly conversation someone hit me directly in the face." An agent at Maryland Realty said that Carl has handed out that same calendar every week since January. Police arrived at the scene at 4:47 PM and took the attacker (Ray Nolan, 64) into custody. In the report Ray claims that Carl was lingering around his desk while he was trying to make some phone calls. "I have never done business with Carl," Ray screeched while being forced into handcuffs. "He was telling me about some stupid hike he went on with his family. I don't give a sh** about your f******* hike!" An anonymous witnesses says that Ray has always hated Carl and has said that he was going to kick the sh*** out of him if Carl ever made eye contact with him again. Carl is now in a local Maryland hospital for a fractured cheek bone. Ray is in custody and will likely be charged for aggravated assault.  It is safe to say Carl will not be handing out any more calendars. 

Kobe Bryant to Become Real Estate Agent After Retirement?

Nope! That title was what we like to call: "click bait." Kobe is worth $400 million. He's not about to start door-knocking with you and your buddies at Keller Williams. Sorry. But, there actually is a fair amount of athletes who got into the real estate game after injuries and retirement. Here is a brief list from an article I read in 2008.

1) Holly Rillinger

Wait what? You haven't heard of the former WNBA point guard Holly Rilinger?! Nobody has! But, she played for my favorite team, The Phoenix Mercury, and now works for Douglas Elliman in Phoenix.  By the way that photo is a picture of Holly Rillinger, the fitness mogul. I have no idea if she is the same person as the WNBA star. 

2) Roger Staubach

That's right. The Former Hall of Fame Cowboy quarterback started his own Commercial firm which was acquired by Lones Lang La Salle for $613 million. 

3) Emmit Smith

The most sturdy running back ever joined Staubach and Co. in commercial real estate in Dallas.

4) Mo Vaughn

Remember this power hitting first baseman for the Red Sox? I hated him! Now, instead of launching cheap homers over Pesky Pole he is selling commercial real estate and failing miserably at it! 

5) Andre Agassi

The former bad boy of tennis dabbles in commercial real estate according to an article I read in 2014. That is all the research I care to do on the issue. 

Millennial Breaks Hand in Tragic Door-Knocking Incident

A motivated young real estate agent named Hank Berman took lead-generation a little bit too far this Tuesday. In a desperate attempt to catch a former seller while she was home, Hank took to the common method of door-knocking. Hank said that he went to the home every day for two months in hopes to catch a glimpse of the owner. “I saw her pull out of her garage once,” Hank muttered. “But, I couldn’t run fast enough in my dress shoes and ended up tripping like an idiot.” Hank claims that he knocked on the owner’s door at least three times a day. An anonymous neighbor says he began to recognize Hank’s car and thought about calling the cops. This Tuesday, Hank took it a little bit too far. “I had switched door-knocking fists every other time to distribute the blows evenly,” Hank claimed. “But, Tuesday I was determined and went with my dominant right just one last time. Man, that door is f***ing solid.” Hank ended up fracturing his wrist and breaking three of his proximal phalanges on the second knock. A local jogger found Hank crippled on the ground and called an ambulance. Hank blames his persistence on the direction from his boss, who said: “do whatever it takes to get a meeting.” 

Los Angeles Real Estate Agent Answers Phone for First Time in Six Years.

Brett Meyer is a 31 year old hotshot agent in the Beverly Hills area. He drives a black Audi A6, smokes weed, and speaks a touch of Farsi. He was well on his way to achieving F-list celebrity status in Los Angeles. However, he noticed a massive decline in his sales and decided to seek consulting. Experts attributed his recent drought to his uneducated opinion of self worth and complete lack of societal decency. “I honestly didn’t think any phone call was worth my time,” Brett said. “My assistant tells me what I have to do and I prefer to text or respond over email.” An anonymous, flustered agent said that dealing with Brett was “literally the worse experience of her entire life.” Brett finally answered his phone for the first time in six years after an intervention from a "friend" he met at the Greystone Manor club. “I had at least two hundred showing requests,” Brett sighed. “I used to get mad at other agents when they didn’t pick up their phones, but I didn’t realize that I had become one of them.” Brett now occasionally answers calls from numbers he recognizes and is slowly beginning to call people back. He is currently looking for a roommate to join him in a “sick condo he found in West Hollywood.” He has turned to his uncle for a little extra cash to cover his Equinox membership. He believes that his body is a temple and that happiness starts with a healthy lifestyle.  

Real Estate Agent Rushed to Hospital for Saying “Granite Countertops” in Response to Everything.

It was a normal Monday for Janet Nolan in the city of Coral Gables. She dropped off her kids at school and received her schedule from her assistant at 9:30 AM. She had a noon showing at her spacious modern that just hit the market. The couple that Janet was showing the home to said everything was fine until they got into the house. “Her face lit up when we got to the kitchen,” the couple said. “She told us that all the appliances were brand new and that the countertops were granite. Then it appeared like she was possessed. She had a blank look in her eyes for the rest of the showing. She said everything had granite countertops, even the toilets. We tried to change the subject,” the couple urged.  “We asked where the property line ended in the backyard and she just yelled it at us again.” A pedestrian that was almost hit by Janet on her way home said she was driving like a complete lunatic. Her husband rushed her to the hospital once she got home after she repeated, “granite countertops” seventy-three straight times. Her condition is yet to be determined.  

Agent Attends Office Meeting For First Time in Four Years. Leaves After Seeing There Was No More Food.

Gary Deiter, a 67-year-old real estate agent in Vermont avoided going to office meetings for four years. “They were honestly just boring as shit,” he said. However, Gary received an email at the beginning of the week that sparked his attention. “Usually I can’t stomach the food they serve, but this week they were catering from my favorite Deli,” he explained. “I was so hungry that day. The office was in between my showings and I just had no other choice." At the meeting, a witness said he saw Gary come in about eight minutes late where he started to inch his way to the back. Apparently, this office meeting was more crowded than usual because it was “mandatory,” making it slightly more difficult for Gary to make his way around the chairs. Another agent said she noticed Gary slowly shuffling toward the finger sandwiches as if to not bother any one. Gary’s closest friend and golf partner, Jason Rosen, said he watched the whole thing: “Yeah I saw Gary come in. I was pretty shocked to see him but then remembered that he loves that deli. I noticed he started off in the back there, and made his way to the sandwiches. By the time he got to them there was only a couple left, but they were falling apart and didn’t have any meat on them.” Another agent said he heard Gary muddle a series of “F-bombs” upon his discovery of the battered sandwiches. I asked Gary what he did once he realized there was no more food. “I faked a phone call and got the hell out there,” he exclaimed. It is safe to say that this was Gary’s last office meeting.   

Receptionist Quits Real Estate Brokerage After Receiving too Many Friend Requests

Twenty-three year-old San Diego State graduate Amy Bridges recently took a reception position at a small real estate brokerage in Long Beach. “I thought it would be great to work in the same industry that my dad was in,” she said. “I even started studying for the exam by taking some online classes!” However, after just four days Amy began to get “creeped out by some of the agents.” According to the office manager, all the guys, even the ones with wives, were ferociously hitting on Amy. An anonymous source tells us that Amy received four new Instagram followers, seven G-Chats, and ten new friend requests after sitting at her desk for just three hours. “I was overwhelmed,” Amy said. “It’s like they have never seen a girl before.” Sources added that she was “pretty hot, but wore a little too much makeup.” A local Title Rep named Nate Fergens was the straw that broke the camel’s back. A witness said he “hovered around her desk for about twenty minutes before asking her if she wanted to go see My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2.” Amy resigned just before the office meeting last Thursday. 

The Listing Appointment from Hell

I walked up to the front and noticed a strange rectangular sculpture on the right side of the door. Before I knocked, I nonchalantly straightened the sculpture upright on the wall and wiped my feet on the doormat. Shortly after, the owner opened the door and invited me in his home. As I went to shake his hand, I noticed that he was wearing a Boston Red Sox cap.

“Ahh the Sox,” I said. “As a Yankees fan, it is safe to say that 2004 was one of the worst years of my life.”  The seller had absolutely no reaction to my statement and shut the door behind me.

I tried again: “Beautiful home you have here sir. How long have you and your family lived here?” He responded apathetically, “A few years. We really want to move closer to the city.”

I set my listing presentation on a coffee table and began to take out some brochures of my previous listings. “So might I ask, what did you not like about your other realtor? What do you want your next agent to do differently?”

He didn’t even look in my direction and responded, “Sell the damn home.” I started to get a little uneasy, so I took a sip of my water bottle and set it down on the table. He looked at me in horror and slapped the bottle to the ground before it even got settled. A small ring formulated on the wood where my water had been.

“Have you no respect?” He glared. I quickly apologized and wiped my shirt on the table to get rid of the ring. “Look sir, why don’t you give me a tour of the house, and I’ll give an idea of what I think we should price it at.”

As he walked me into one of the bedrooms, I noticed an odd collection of what looked to be a female model. I grinned and said, “Must be your son’s room. Hell of a set of buns on that broad.”

“That’s my daughter.” Of course it was. At this moment, I decided to throw in the towel and get out of there as soon as possible. I grabbed my comps and began to make my way to the door. “Thanks for your time,” I said reluctantly. “I went ahead and straightened that sculpture over your front door. It was a little crooked.” He looked at me in disbelief. “That is my mezuzah you idiot! I am Jewish!”

It is safe to say that I did not get that listing. When my partner asked me how the appointment went, I said, “He didn’t seem interested in selling. No motivation.”

What did I learn?

• Find things in common with your seller. Don’t bring up opposing viewpoints in sports, politics or religion.

• Put your water on a coaster.

• Do not make any flirtatious comments about the seller’s daughter — or son.

• A mezuzah (Hebrew: מְזוּזָה‎ “doorpost”; plural: מְזוּזוֹת mezuzot) is a piece of parchment (often contained in a decorative case) inscribed with specified Hebrew verses from the Torah. It is supposed to hang crooked.