15 Little Victories In Real Estate

If real estate were game, which it is, it would be composed of a bunch of tiny victories and defeats. Every now and then you will suffer a major loss or experience a major win. Hopefully, the major wins keep you in the game and make you lots of money. Every day in this industry is composed of these ups and downs that we all experience. So, I wanted to give a shoutout to the all the little victories that keep us going. 

1) When a buyer walks into your open house and doesn't have an agent.

Whether it turns into anything or not, this interaction gives us a glimmer of hope in what is usually a boring and pointless three hours. 

2) When you actually have your most recent business card on you when a potential client asks for it. 

Real estate agents change brokerages and positions constantly. It is a pretty good feeling when you whip out your wallet and have direct access to your card without hesitation.

3) When you find a fresh water bottle in your seller's fridge.

Nobody likes drinking tap water. Your seller would want you to have it.

4) When you schedule all of your showings back to back.

People who are not in the industry don't understand how difficult it can be to schedule a showing. Your schedule has match up with the seller's schedule, the other agent's schedule, and your client's/whoever else they are bringing schedule. 

5) When you have a full tank of gas in your car.

6) When the printer at your office does exactly what you want.

There is nothing more frustrating than a faulty printer that turns your agent detail report into a Picasso. 

7) When your seller says they are going to call you after the open, but they don't.

Like I said, it's the little victories that keep us going.

8) When your appointment at 9 AM on Saturday gets cancelled.

Yes, realtors work on the weekends. But, nobody wants to get up and show a house at 9 AM on Saturday. Nobody.

9) When you show up to your listing and the seller's car is gone.

This might be one of the best feelings in the world.

10) When all of your dress clothes are dry-cleaned.

As much as I like destroying my nipples in dirty button downs, I prefer to actually look and feel decent when I show a house.  

11) When you don't have to re-login into the MLS.

Getting logged out in a deep MLS search ruins my mood for at least an hour.

12) When you get your favorite parking spot at the office.

13) When there is actually good food at the office meeting.

14) When you get a package delivered to the office.

Getting your Amazon Prime package is always a win. Getting it at the office gives you the brief opportunity to seem important in the eyes of the receptionist.

15) When the Title Rep walks by your office without bothering you.

I don't always want to hear about the hike you went on this weekend. 

 

 

 

Real Estate Rap Video: The Seller From Hell

The BA runs into a familiar foe at a dead open house: "The Seller From Hell." Will the seller's constant nagging force the BA to quiver and obey? Or will The BA strike back with witty lyrical force? Watch the first ever accurate open house rap video:

How To Curse In Real Estate

If you are in real estate you probably curse a lot. Not because you want to, but because you have to. You curse under your breath, you curse in your car, you curse on the phone, and you curse at other agents. Sometimes you can't articulate how you are feeling without explaining to someone that your day was completely and utterly "fucked." So, I compiled a list of the most common curse words and how they are applied to situations in real estate. I wanted you to know that you are not alone. If you get offended by curse words stop reading. If you are a normal human being in real estate, keep reading.

 

1) Shit: 

This house is shit

It smells like shit in here.

I think someone just shit in the master.

That offer is complete shit.

I had a shitty day.

 

2) Bitch

That agent was a huge bitch, wasn't she?

Stop being a bitch about it, it's real estate.

They bitched out, not writing anymore.

(Insert brokerage name) are a bunch of bitches.

Son of a bitch, I have no gas and I am late to this showing.

 

3) Ass

Damn, that Escrow rep has a fantastic ass.

My seller is a real pain in the ass.

My ass barely fits in my dress pants anymore.

My client is an asshole.

Everyone in this industry is an asshole.

I wonder if that kitchen spoon would fit in my ass

 

4) Hell

It's hot as hell in here.

What the hell are you even saying?

I hope that person burns in hell.

My seller spawns from hell

That open house was hell. 

 

5) Fuck

1) Fuck you.

2) Fuck me.

3) Fuck everyone. 

4) Are you fucking kidding me?

5) This deal is completely fucked.

6) Are they out of their fucking mind? 

7) Who the fuck told you that?

8) Wait, so what the fuck does this mean now.

9) I don't give a fuck anymore.

10) Every single time you hang up the phone. "Fuck."

11) Fuck it. 

 

6) Piss

1) I'm so pissed.

2) The other agent is really pissing me off.

3) I have to piss out of my ass.

4) Wait a second, let me take a piss first.

5) Why is my seller always so pissed? 

 

7) Dick

1) He's a huge dick, don't worry about it.

2) I just stubbed my dick on the open house sign while I set it up..

3) I'm really trying not to be a dick here, but...

4) You can tell they don't know dick about this area.

I hope you enjoyed reading that as much as I enjoyed writing it. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What Would Your Real Estate Rap Name Be?

I asked the question, "what would your real estate rap name be?" on social media and got some hilarious responses. Some people even wrote descriptions explaining their reasoning.  Below are the ones that I found the most entertaining because they were either terrible or actually slightly funny.  

Here is what THEY came up with: 

Yung CTC: "Because I always get that clear to close" 

Snoopy Soldy Sold

Warrenty-G: "I always push for warranted items" 

Lil Cold Call

Mama-C-Ta: "Because all my agents and clients are like my children"

Young Yamika

LL Sold Today: "Cause I make sales every day!"

Ice SubZeroT

Ol' Dirty Rental

Lil Magnet: "Because I attract all the buyers"

Mr. Steal Your Listing

Commish

MC Lok-Box

C Dilla that Title Rep Killa

Jonny Contingencies

No Clientele

Lil' Addendum

Young Zestimate

Crib Pusher

Flippin Bricks

FSBO Killa

Curb Appeal

MC DocyUment

Lil Facilitator

Defik8r: "droppin mad deuces at those opens yo!"

DJ Sweaty

My personal favorite is "Johnny Contingencies" because it so incredibly stupid. You may remember that I came out with a real estate rap video called "The Intro" last year and officially launched my rap name/names. "The Crow," because of all my Escrows/Dr. Dreidels/and THE BA. If you have not it is below for your viewing pleasure. I am coming up with a new rap video called "The Seller From Hell" dropping next week so stay tuned!

  

 

 

 

Six Reasons To Use Your Friend As A Realtor

Although it may be difficult to comprehend, some buyers prefer to not use their friends as their real estate agent. Why? Maybe they don't want to potentially ruin the friendship. Maybe they don't want to share their financial information. Maybe they think their realtor friend is an idiot. Whatever the reason may be, it is imperative for us as real estate agents to tap into our immediate network to run a successful business. So, here are six reasons why your friends should work with you. 

1) You Will Not Feel Awkward: 

Would you rather ride silently in some random suit's Chrysler that you met at an open house, or listen to Drake's new album in the same seat that you inhaled a Doritos locos tacos in the night before? I know you. It's more fun to drive around with me because I can talk about other stuff other than real estate. 

2) You Can Reach Us Anytime: 

If you text me or call me I will respond. You follow me on Snapchat and you just saw that I posted a picture of my zucchini pasta on Instagram. Also, I have to respond to you because I have "read" receipts on.   

3) You Will Not Bother Us:

A lot of buyers refrain from contacting their agent because they are afraid to "bother them." You know that I am up watching Game of Thrones, so you can call me anytime. Also, I know how to reach out to you without bothering you. I have a good feel for your schedule and I understand your communication patterns.  

4) You Know We Actually Care: 

Guess what? A ton of realtors don't care about their clients. I will not pawn you off to my assistant. Not because I don't have an assistant, but because I am dedicating my services to you. You will never have to worry about some unlicensed, unpaid intern sitting your open house. I will sit your open house... and I might eat a cookie or two because I know you and that's chill. 

5) You Already Trust Us: 

A lot of sellers and buyers are rightfully skeptical of their real estate agent early on in the relationship. Can you trust this random guy/girl you just met at your house? You already know me and trust the way I will handle your home. I care about this friendship more than I do about this sale, and will do everything I can to leave you satisfied. Sexually. 

6) You Get To Celebrate With Us:

A lot of clients can't wait to get rid of their realtors. A lot of realtors can't wait to get rid of their clients. This is not the case working with friends. Once the deal closes, you get to party with me. You just bought a new home. I just got a nice commission. Let's throw a massive party and begin the wear and tear process!

Seven Dating Hacks That Only Work For Realtors

1) The "Crazy Seller" Technique

Having sketchy late night phone calls with someone you shouldn't be? Not a problem. Your seller is insane and will not leave you alone.

2) "The Showing Excuse" aka "The Inspection Excuse" aka "The Appointment Excuse" 

Your girl wants to hike on a Sunday morning? Nope. You have an inspection. Your boyfriend wants to meet for drinks with a frat dude that you hate? Nope. You have a twilight photo shoot. Remember, realtors have a permanent excuse to get out of anything. 

3) The "LockBox" Technique

Live in a high security apartment building on the top floor? Sick of going down to get your significant other? Don't trust him/her enough yet to give them a copy of your key? Not ready for that step in the relationship? Throw a lockbox on a tree outside and your problem is solved. 

4) The "Prospecting" Technique

At a bar? Boyfriend is in the bathroom? Hot guy buys you a drink and works in private equity? Boyfriend comes back? You were prospecting a potential client who is "about to have a baby" and is looking for a house for his new family.

5) The "I have a lot on my mind" Technique

Having trouble performing sexually? Finishing immediately? Never finishing? You are really sorry, but all you can think about is your listing appointment tomorrow.

6) The "It's just the other agent" Technique

Getting unknown number texts from your side piece? Nope. It's the other agent. Every random number can be covered up.  

7) The "I used it for staging" Technique

Spent all your money on processed juices? Gambled away your engagement ring? Pawning all of your furniture to stay afloat? No problem! You used the sofa for staging your listing and will bring it back when it sells. 

Five Charactertistics of Lazy Agents

I think it is fair to say that if you do three of five of these you are a lazy agent. If you just do two you are probably ok...

1) They don't print out the client detail reports for a showing: Instead of handing their buyers the actual listing sheet, they secretly glance at an email on their iPhone that they sent themselves. Then, they shout out the "important" stuff like the year it was built, square footage, and HOA's. 

Excuse: You don't have a printer and you didn't want to go to your office (fair). Also, you look like you actually did research by "memorizing" how long it's been on the market. 

2) They don't meet their buyers at open houses: It's easy to send your buyers to opens by themselves because the other agent is there. But, that should be the exact reason you don't do it. What do you think the other agent is telling your client? I'll tell you: "Your agent isn't here? You should work with me I will go with you to every showing." 

Excuse: You haven't played this course before and you already had a tee time over a month ago. They don't need you there for every single home.

3) They take their own MLS photos without hiring a professional photographer: Basically, they are cheap AF and are destroying their own listing by marketing it with Polaroids. 

Excuse: You are an idiot.

4) They only set up a "couple" open house signs: They put up like one beat up sign in front of the house and maybe one other down the street. This may not seem like a big deal because most people find the opens in their area with the click of their thumb on a smart phone. However, there are always a few guests that come in because they "saw the signs."

Excuse: Setting up open house signs it the absolute worst. It's dirty, it's demoralizing, and it's inconvenient. Also, you don't have room in your car and hearing them rattle around your trunk is extremely annoying. "Setting up a sign isn't going to sell this house."

5) They don't prepare the house properly for a showing: They greet you at the door and turn on all the lights as you and your client walk through the dark house. There's nothing worse than explaining to your client that the place: "actually looks good when it's lit up and open." 

Excuse: You didn't have time? I don't know we've all been squeezed between showings before, but this shouldn't happen. 

There you have it. If you do three of five of these things you are a lazy agent. Unlike high school and college, being lazy is not a cool thing to be in real estate.

 

Five Reasons to Work With A Millennial Real Estate Agent

1) Quick Response Time

You don't have to wait fourteen hours to get a response from a millennial. Chances are, we are already on our phones flicking through Instagram or SnapChatting our sashimi. Also, we are constantly checking our email to check our transaction history on Venmo. 

2) Tech Savvy

We actually know how to use our phones and utilize the newest apps and technologies to help keep our clients updated. A lot of "experienced" agents are afraid to adopt new strategies because their traditional ways have worked in the past. Millennials are open to evolve. 

3) Emotional Involvement

This may be a good thing or it may be a bad thing. But, when a transaction falls apart we don't just go back home and carry on with our lives. We go to the bar and rip fourteen tequila shots to deal with the emotional stress and loss of commission. We take it personally. But, we wake up determined (and hungover) to make sure that the next deal does go through. We can't cope with failure. 

4) Personal Experience

Most millennial realtors do not have an entire team working for them. We deal with our clients personally. Clients won't have to fight through a wave of assistants and unpaid interns to talk to us. We do our own work and we sit our own open houses. 

5) We Party

When a deal closes we want to party with you. Hell, when a deal doesn't close we want to party with you. Either way, we know how to have fun and make light of situations that some agents would take too seriously. Also, we play sick music on the way to showings and we make you feel cool when we hand you the keys. 

 

 

 

Questions That Should Have Been On The Real Estate Exam Part 2

1) If you have an exclusive listing on the property, and the seller calls you at 10PM to complain about the property description. You should: 

A) Pick up the phone and calm them down.

B) Let it go to voicemail, you are "asleep" and will call them in the morning.

C) Ignore it and email them in the morning.

D) Go insane on the seller and explain that adding an extra comma isn't going to sell their home.

 

2) As the listing agent, when nobody comes to the open house, you should:

A) Hold it open again and again and expect a different result without changing up any of the marketing.

B) Blame it on the weather.

C) Call your seller and tell them "that a few groups came by, but nobody seemed interested."

D) Leave thirty minutes early and pray your seller doesn't come back before it's over.

 

3) An agent obtains an oral listing contract from a seller, without any written contract. The agent should:

A) Obtain a written contract before the seller completely backstabs you and goes with a different agency.

B) Count his/her commission on that home immediately.

C) Tell everyone in the office about their upcoming listing.

D) All of the above

 

4) When driving passed an In-N-Out Burger on the way to your showing, one should:

A) Stop and get a double double with animal fries no matter what.

B) Drive past and go to the showing on time.

C) Stop and gage the drive-thru line.

D) Go after your showing.

 

5) When inspections are scheduled for all day Saturday, an agent should:

A) Reschedule them.

B) Suck it up and go, but bring a phone charger.

C) Send their assistant.

D) Either A or C.

 

6) When studying for the real estate salesperson exam, one should:

A) Expect the test to look nothing like the practice test.

B) Study nothing but the math problems.

C) Google every answer and then take the Crash Course without learning the actual material.

D) Take practice tests and memorize the answers without learning a thing.

 

7) Broker Bob has a listing on Seller Steve’s house. Seller Steve asks Broker Bob to turn off all the lights and lock the doors when he is done with the open house. Broker Bob has sat the open 10 weeks in a row and has never forgotten to do this. But, Seller Steve insists on saying it every single time anyway. Broker Bob should: 

A) Act like it is the first time he has said it and reply with: "of course."

B) Leave all of the lights on to prove a point.

C) Punch Seller Steve in the face for patronizing him every single time he comes to the house.

D) Smile and act like it doesn't kill him inside.

 

8) When getting an Instagram follow request from another agent in your office, one should:

A) Accept it.

B) Ignore it.

C) Create another account just for your real estate business and then request them to avoid them seeing your pics.

D) Not sure, but somebody should do a post on this..

How To Become A Successful Realtor: Be Rich and Know Other Rich People

This is the most honest blog title on the internet.

Wouldn't it be refreshing to hear someone tell you that they became successful in real estate because they were rich and knew a bunch of other rich people? Picture this: a successful realtor is on a panel at a conference and gets asked what he does to generate new leads. He responds by saying: "Well, I come from a lot of money. My father got involved in the Entertainment industry at an early age and basically knows everybody from Al Pacino to Kendall Jenner. Because of how rich we are, I grew up in a rich neighborhood and played with all of the other rich kids. In fact, I used to go to Greece every summer with Kate Winslet. As I grew up I went to a high school in Beverly Hills where I met other rich as hell students. I obviously skipped college because I didn't need to learn anything or work a day in my life. So, I got my real estate license. I don't even really know how to properly fill out a purchase agreement. In fact, I outsource most of logistical tasks to my team. But, I have the best connections on the planet. So, every time someone famous wants to buy or sell a home, they use me. I haven't cold called once. I haven't door knocked. The leads come to me. You can get a real estate coach, build your brand, farm neighborhoods, and work your sphere of influence...but it will never be as effective as already knowing rich people."

(Drops mic) - Crowd silenced

That was purposefully a little extreme. But, I think it would be awesome for one of these millionaire agents to actually admit something like that! Obviously, not every successful agent is born with connections. But, it seems like this particular aspect of real estate always seems to go unspoken. Is it because it is superficial and people are scared of how it would sound? What if a real estate coach actually told you to befriend rich people and use their connections? I know that is taboo and "unethical," but it makes more sense than blindly calling a bunch of numbers that don't work! All I am saying is that I am sick of hearing success stories of the agents who claim that their work ethic and desire got them business. Like...you failed to mention that your dad owns the brokerage.  

Real Estate Porn

What REALLY Turns Real Estate Agents On:

When you actually have a free weekend with no showings, no opens, and no inspections.

 

When you find a water bottle in the fridge at your open when you are deathly hungover.

When you get this text from your buyer and they are so excited that they can't even spell correctly: 

When a hot girl comes into your open house without her husband and no kid.

When the TV at your open is already on with Football on the screen.

 

When you schedule all of your showings successfully within a close proximity of each other.

Finding out you and a potential buyer went to the same college and you "connect" over it.

When you crush a listing appointment and they play your song on the radio.

When a listing across the street goes up and you hold opens during their opens and to get their traffic.

Five Fictional Bedrooms That Were Awesome

1) Arnold's Bedroom from the show "Hey Arnold"

This kid had it all. He had a girl that was obsessed with him, a cool black friend named Gerald, and one of the most desirable city bedrooms of all time. This room was decked out with remote control everything and an unparalleled city skylight view.

 

2) Cher's Bedroom in the movie "Clueless"

Clueless has one of the best movie lines of all time by Elton: "My foot hurts. Can I go to the nurse?" I am sure every girl that watched this in the mid 90s was obsessed with this epic closet.

 

3) Tom Hanks' Bedroom in the movie "Big"

Spacious with a trampoline, basketball hoop, and room to skateboard. This was the dream movie and dream bedroom of every kid that saw this.

 

4) Frodo's Wake Up Bedroom in "Lord of the Rings"

What a fantastic place to wake up after being ripped to shreds by Gollum at the top of Mordor. This majestic room emulates the dreamlike village perfectly. It comes equipped with incredible scented candles, an oversized king bed, and Gandalf puffing reefer right in your face. Not to mention the flawless, ageless, elves floating around listening to trance music. It does not get much better than this.

 

5) Harry Potter's "bedroom" at the Dursley Residence

Harry's cozy little nook under the staircase at the Dursley's was awesome because it is unlike any bedroom in any movie. It is iconic.

8 Things Real Estate Agents Hate

1) When someone asks the question: "What school district is this in?"

I don't know why this question pisses me off so much, but it does. Of course a couple would want to know which school their kids might attend. It is obviously very important. I just never have it memorized and it angers me.

2) When you get an email from a buyer saying: "We actually found a place on our own."

WTF? What does that even mean? You walked into an open house and wrote an offer with the listing agent? This is the kind of thing that sends realtors to therapy.

3) When another agent in your office gets an absurd listing that is completely unjustified.

This is kind of like when your buddy hooks up with a girl that is way out of his league. On the surface you are happy for him, but at the same time you can't help yourself from being slightly jealous. When a shit agent gets a massive listing it is infuriating. You always justify it in your own head by saying something like: "he/she probably knows the seller or did some sort of sexual favor for them." 

4) When you get scheduled to do inspections all day Saturday.

 

As much as I love chilling with the termite guy and talking about dry rot, I would rather be slamming mimosas with my friends. Inspection period is a great time to lay off Snapchat. 

5) When another agent lectures you about their 24 hour showing policy.

We are on the same team. I am trying to help you. I am bringing a buyer to your overpriced listing that has been festering on the market for three months. We all understand the policy. Please vocalize your availability without being a complete dick about it.

6) When your friends ask you what you do all day. 

Yes, I get it. I do not work 9AM-5PM in a miserable office all day. I watched the first three seasons of Game of Thrones and emailed a couple of potential buyers.

7) When your buyer magically decides they want to start looking in another area after seeing 20 homes within a two mile radius.

For those of you who do not understand the reference: John Kerry "flip-flopped" his policy issues throughout his whole presidential campaign. I am comparing this to when buyers decide they want to live in a completely different area.

8) When your new seller can't stop complaining about their previous agent.

This should be an immediate red flag. Most likely, it is the seller who was at fault and would not cooperate with their old agent. Also, if this person is talking shit about their "ex," they will most likely talk shit about you.

Washington Realtor Hands Out Pot Cookies At Open House

A lot of real estate agents struggle getting people to come to their open houses. The reasons for a dead open are pretty straight forward: the house is priced too high, the neighborhood sucks, the marketing is weak, or the house is hideous. Unfortunately, there is not much you can do to lure people to your open other than the traditional ways that everyone knows about. These tactics include sending out flyers to all the neighbors, setting up more signs, promoting it on social media, or catering it with some overpriced, mediocre coffee service.

Tamara Scott, a 34 year-old Seattle based realtor, decided to take a different approach on the issue. She made cookies laced with marijuana. Then, she took some pictures of the edibles and promoted the living shit out of it. Her slogan was, "Come get high on some dank pot cookies and see a beautiful home." Over seventy people showed up. The house was packed. Everyone was ripped. 

One couple got so incredibly stoned that they wrote an offer on the spot. Above asking. Good for you Tamara, good for you.